Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuce

I really am not sure what captivated me most about seeing Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band live in Dallas this past Tuesday April 5th 2016. He seemed tired of the old hymns and I felt a deep sadness in the way we each couldn't let go of what was before this time. Still so much justice to accomplish.  I wonder if his poetic lyrics work as salve on the wounds we still carry as a nation who struggles to pay laborers a living wage. Working three jobs to keep an apartment I still have my engorged vein on my right foot from workin part time jobs. Hurricane Ike hit our little island of Galveston September 13th 2008. Washed up onto Austin Shores we've experienced Urban Gentrification as the historical black East Austin is being changed by developers priced out of homes. Communitys are rallying around powerful truths. This is our home your changing.  Inspiration to stand up for what is not lost and never forgotten, we all are supposed to think about each other not take from each other. This is what moved me about Bruce.

Forgiveness

The hardest thing in life is to face our personal failures.  I like to keep up an illusion of my innocence and perfection.  Especially to my own mind where that battle rages. I do not like to hold direct responsibility for my life and my limitations. I think this is about that deep sense of not enough. I have fought the urge to succumb to not living enough, not being enough, not doing enough not accomplishing enough. As if there is an actual reality out there of my enoughness.  To go with the flow comes with much resistance.

Ocean Sounds

I hear the constant roar of the sea tonight and the other night too, though I didn't know. Long Sands Beach is about a mile away, or less, and we're 73 feet above sea level here, on the second floor, where my parents apartment sits. 
I can hear the traffic, on I-183, in Austin, at night. I had thought when I heard the sea the other night it might have been I-95. But nope it's the mighty Atlantic. Gosh, do I feel small.
It is echoing with a powerful constant rushing sound that seems endless. Loud, but not where it makes your eardrums ring. Ominous, mysterious, distant, and close it reminds me of its vastness, as well as, its wild untameable power.
The sea is rough tonight.
I'm so grateful my parents and I listened together and could hear the sound. It seemed a comfort to us on the eve of my departure. Like a reminder that we are all in nature's path. We sleep now, together, in her bosom. Incapable of stopping any part of her. And so we all rest dear children of the earth. Sleep, pray, rest for you are always and forever a part of me and I am here.

Chance Meetings

So, we decided we needed a change of pace and plopped ourselves down, at the local Randalls/Starbucks haunt, where, premises wise, I'm never quite sure what's legal to consume. Is it Randalls, or is it Starbucks?  I mean I'm use to liminal spaces, hell, I've got two Master's degrees. Graduate Students are use to living without knowing what's next. But, I worry; can I eat this Chiken Noodle soup from Randalls or should I buy from Starbucks? Usually, it takes another consumer to help me relax and enjoy my grocery soup and Starbucks mint tea. Now, I'm ready for anything.

This time, we met Wally, from Detroit. I did not want to start a conversation, because I noted my creep detector was picking up signals and try as I might to brush them off, as bad weather interference, it kept reading 'not a good idea to begin a conversation'. 
Unfortunately, my husband does not follow the same gut directions, as I do. Sure, he picks up the readings,  he just filters them, differently. 
Yet, it wasn't a total loss because,  you're about to hear how our chatting went.
Wally sat directly perpendicular to me, on my left, and had been staring at me, though, not consistently. Ergo, creep detector, first sign.  I was reading my book and Bug was typing away.
Bug, was getting up to have a smoke outside, where, he crossed the man's line of vision and started a conversation, introducing himself, and then me, telling me, later, that he'd met Wally, previously.  Wherefore, I told Bug, there's your first sign. "If he can't remember you or acknowledge having met you, then he can't see past his own nose. And is wrapped up a little to tight in his own puzzle."
We did proceed to converse, because, I am nominally curious about others and always like to learn. And, the flood gates had already been opened; thanks Bug. Plus, this weirdos been staring in my direction, so, I might as well get the scoop. And get the scoop I did. Surprise, surprise, the guys a fruitcake. You know the type. Looks pretty average, has some pretty good brain power, but, is nothing short of a few screws loose. Perhaps, it was an unreported injury to the brain or heart. Or? perhaps he was just born that way. I'm not about to spend that kind of energy to find out. He was talking about work and the troubles, therein, (sign number two; unresolved bitterness spoken as if its all 'their' fault) and exchanging words about lands we hail from and perhaps wanting to return to one-day. We conversed, mostly though, I just listened, sign number three. Sharing about company challenges of today and people not having the balls to 'tell it like it is'. But, I said that, which became my eventual out of the conversation.
Then, suddenly, a woman came out of left field and sat with him. Her hairs in curls and clutching a Basic Mathematical Applications textbook. We proceed to talk about our interests and the essentials of lifelong learning. I shared the five factors that top women CEOs defined, as factors, that got them and keep them, as top leaders.  Relating, this to my work and recent professional conference I'd attended. And, to which Wally said, "You should have gone." To his 'girlfriend'. And that's when I knew we were all in trouble. It unraveled slowly, but consistently from that point on. And, as both my husband and I tried to balance out the conversation, from being totally about how the left field woman needed heIp, we successfully split up, conversation wise, and I was able to have a decent and interesting conversation, with the curl headed woman. However, we could not keep it from crashing. The break up was occurring and we were its direct descendants. When she left, to take out her curls and go to a party he was not invited to attend with her, he was visible deflated, though more in spirit: It could have been easily missed. The conversation started again, eventually, and his diatribe about her and his relationship poured out, even more. My only advice was around the theme of take care of yourself, Wally.
He seemed to get it because he got busy on his computer and the staring ceased. During the diatribe, I kept thinking,  I'm gonna have to wrap this up, but how? Frankness worked. "I can't talk about someone who is not here. You nor I can change anyone else. I got my own shit to deal with, as do we all. Take care, Wally." Life is interesting, is it not? Its nice to meet those mirrors that remind us,  'We're all loosers, sitting in restaurants, trying to figure out how we got here and how were gonna get back home'. Like I told Wally, we're all connected, and though I may not have given you what you wanted, I managed to meet you. Good luck.

View for Bridge of Spies

I love a good visual story just like all of us do and honestly I never lost interest throughout, Bridge of Spies.  Thanks to master filmaker Steven Spielberg, we get to go back nearly 60 years in history and reinterpret and reimagine what may have happened, for real. Entirely believable in his humble negotiating and living out of authentic American principles set forth in our Constitution, the right for a human being, to have due process of law. In determining a criminal offense. The burden of proof, for any conviction, lies in the hands, of the prosecution and the authorities must act, with due process. However, argues mostly everyone, in espionage, the rule book goes out the window. But, not for James Donovan, played by Tom Hanks, an Irish American, who knows how to talk his point and stand on it, while taking a beating, from both personal and public arenas. 
And just when you think he's been beat, American pilot Gary Powers gets shot down and miraculously survives, landing into dreaded enemy territory. Just what the US didn't want. Ushering in the need for negotiations.
Speilberg, through Donavan's character, played by Tom Hanks, reminds us that the descent into uncivilized national behavior is rather easy, with fear and not taking personal responsibility for your actions, playing the largest part. "We must do what our governments can't do" is how Donavan operated, in the story.  And he took risks in doing this negotiating, through Wolfgang Vogal, played by Sebastian Koch, and Otts young secretary Max Mauff, as well as, Russias' nonreprestentative. So that until everyone lands on the Bridge of Spies, no one knows whether or not human decency will win. In the end, even Rudolf Abel, played by Mark Rylance, will live, after being exchanged. And Fredrick Pryor, played by Austin Stowell, will continue to teach economics and later consult with world banks, another dicey business, like studying communist economics in West Berlin, during the Cold War. The makings of experiential wisdom.
For me it's always a story, with a theme of human justice, that gets a gold star!!!

Beginnings and Endings

The cycles in life can feel ferocious and these cycles can seem to bind us to a life of unwanted change. We think we'll always be together and that we'll never part. In life there is a constant theme of departure and arrival. This is a truth; everything changes. Seasons come and go. Night and day dance their circular motions, with a travel though space that revolves and rotates, as well as, expands.  So, no space is ever exactly the same. That's why we can never go home and once a child goes off to college they do not return. And why every creature is a miracle of time and space. Take a deep breath; recognize the depth of each moment. And live,  now.

Travellers

In the middle of a busy airport people can rest only for a time before they must depart again. The transitioning is quick, the movements are sharp and the hope is singular; get me to my destination, ASAP.  Smelling the roses and enjoying the moment are states of consciousness that do not exist here and will not be tollerated. The airport is an in-between state of neither here nor there and the only purpose of time is for your next connection. Smiles and kindness are fleeting and rare, saved only for the good surprises of home. If you want to pass through here then you have alot to learn. So then, be prepared to learn something new, and on your mark, get set, go go go.....